sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
