Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
