I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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