I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
