Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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