My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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