I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
