When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
