I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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