Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
