ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
