No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
