ya dads aren't the best wingmen
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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