I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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