what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
