Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
jump out the window naked night went bad
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