i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Randomize
