I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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