There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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