I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
