i think my tv is drunk
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I lost the right to judge tonight
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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