Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
