Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
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So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
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Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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