Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Dicks are not precious.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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