My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
