god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
