morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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