They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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