I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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