Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
