Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
