my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
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