Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You took a bar mat shot.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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