I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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