i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
