Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
