my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
