Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
