i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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