she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
23 Times Kids Said the Harshest Things
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
21 Rich People Confess The Best And Worst Things About Being Wealthy
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that