I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.