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• (516): View more from New York

  she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".

  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.

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• (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!

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• (562): View more from California

  biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009

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• (907): View more from Alaska

  He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since

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  23 Times Kids Said the Harshest Things

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• (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"

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• (206): View more from Washington

  So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...

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• (772): View more from Florida

  I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away

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• (602): View more from Arizona

  Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.

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• (801): View more from Utah

  He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.

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  21 Rich People Confess The Best And Worst Things About Being Wealthy

  Read it at the TFLN blog
  

• (206): View more from Washington

  My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating

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• (847): View more from Illinois

  Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.

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• (417): View more from Missouri

  People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.

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• (303): View more from Colorado

  Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.

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• (325): View more from Texas

  I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.

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• (858): View more from California

  I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that

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