im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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