I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Randomize
