We're like a lot better than the average bears
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
