you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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