My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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