It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
