I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
