you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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