so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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