It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
