I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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