U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
