Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
