Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
