It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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