Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
