I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
