Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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