Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
