dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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