I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
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He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
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there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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