Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
