I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
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