We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
