Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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