so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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